What If

* This is an oldy but goody.  This was submitted during round 1 of our Blerapy Blog Carnival and is being posted again with permission from the author.  

In my dreams, he is always sitting behind me. I can hear his heartbeat, low and steady. Feel the air move as he shuffles his papers. The quiet woosh of the notepaper on his soft skin...broadcast in slow motion... directed to my senses. Drowning the din of classroom , reducing it to a low murmur. I know that his skin is soft... because I've absently brushed alongside his arm...at random moments. BLushing silently...charged with impulses. My heart holds it's breath...as I listen for him. He is seated behind me. I can feel him go still. My head burns...he is staring at me. i feel him touch my hair with his breath as he exhales.... He laughs at something private. A joke he made to himself. His quiet laugh turns me on edge. I wonder what he might be laughing at and immediately feel any personal crumb of confidence.. begin to slip away. I turn my head slightly, eyeing his form out of the soft curve of my eye, noting the darkness of his hair. It is a brilliant black. A Harsh black. The kind that will grey as he meets the years. My heart lurches forward when he somehow finds my eyes and smiles... he was waiting for me. One side of his smile is higher than the other. Forming a lovely crease near the corner of his mouth. My hands wish to be placed next to it...to brush it with my fingertips.. to hold his head while my eyes mirror the intensity his eyes cannot hide. It is a shy smile...loaded with knowing. I turn back- slowly...keeping all sudden movements to a minimum. My mouth wrestles to be free to caress his lips with my own. TO feel that solitary charge as our lips meet for the first time. To test their warmth...their depth. To know the taste of his smile. He continues to watch me.Burning me softly with his gentle eyes. The breath of his eyelashes sending shivers through my soul. I always feel him there... behind me...waiting.. when I dream of him. We shared homeroom for 3 years of time. A time that boasted innoncence...confusion and discovery. A Time .. that moved forward without the ever acknowledegment of what lie safetly between us. We were friends. We walked down the morning hall together...joking and laughing. Arguing like kindergartners who have touched love for the first time over glue bottles. I ached to call him mine, somewhere ... hidden beneath. I last saw him after my first year of college. He appeared at my old wooden screendoor...with some friends. I was having a party. The din again lowered and ... time stopped for a moment as he stood outside...staring at me through the mesh of the wire screen. That side lipped smile...telling me what I'd known for years. Reminding me...of impulses once felt .. impulses still spinning...looking for a place to land. The screen door hollered a whine as he stepped inside ... I smiled... words lining up to be released... one at a time. But they never get a chance to feel that freedom. We are shuffled apart by a group coming in...we part ways via the sea of people flooding my living room. I lose track of him... in the details of the party as I'm pulled to handle seemingly important things. The night ends too soon and he is gone with only a look and a brief goodbye from across the room. Those few seconds of time...are seared into my memory. I never saw him again after that night, after our quick exchange.... I see him, as of late, only in my dreams. I grew up , fell in love , married and had a family. I became a woman without ever touching up against that side smile. Without ever feeling those eyelashes ...against my forehead.. without ever grabbing that dark hair in a fit of charged impulse. He is my " what if." I have a new friend on Facebook. Who was looking for me. His name is "what if." I can still feel him sitting behind me.

I hate Playdates

 I hate playdates.

When I was a kid it was me and my sibling against the world.  As we got older we incorporated friends into the mix but previous to the age where our mother let us roam the world...we played, simply, with each other.    THere were no playdates!  I had to walk 7 miles in the snow in my barefeet to play with other kids.   I also got hookworm in the process.

That's a lie.  But ... you get it.

I sound old fashioned and I'm only 34.  But truth is, this is the new norm.  Scheduling your children.  Eating up playdates like they're skittles.   Rainbow flavored preferrably- Playdates are the new black dress.

I hate hate hate playdates.   That black dress bunches up on me and squeezes my fat.  It no longer fits me.

I hate playdates.

THERE I SAID IT.

Now quit asking me and assuming that I have the energy to gather my senses enough to

a.  clean my house in prep for your visit

b.  make food for your visit

c.  gather up my 3 children-  to visit your home and make small talk.

I would rather smother myself in my sofa.

Don't get me wrong.  I love to socialize when I feel like it.    My kids play endlessly in the summer with the nieghbors..... but now that school is in session.  I have to dodge playdate requests.  I play date dodgeball.  EVeryday.

Just because our kids are in the same class doesn't mean that I want nor need to SCHEDULE  a playdate.  That is NO FUN for me.   I'm a mommy's group has been.  I did that.  I 'm done with it.  You are kind and sweet  to ask but if I haven't already taken you up on your countless offers.. then probably.  I'm not interested.   Would my kid like it?  Sure.  But you know what??  She has two siblings.  I expect her to play with them until she is of age.

A playdate is great every now and then... but there are kids in my eldest's class that nearly have a playdate scheduled DAILY.

Because of this blatant playdate philandering going on.. my kid asks me DAILY if she can have a playdate.  I WISH I could wipe her vocabulary clean of that word.

WHAAAAAAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUCK?

If you wanna call a spade a spade and get it all out in the open.  Let's do so over margaritas with a side of No kids around.

BECAuse PLAYDATES are for mommies.  Not for kids.   Whether it's for gabbing or for dropping off and getting a break.

   The kids just get a perq in it all.

I'll playdate.  But at the local discotheque.   Studio 54.   With a side of let loose.

Wait.  Did I sound old fashioned again.   I gotta work on that.

 Damn you playdates !

DIRTY LAUNDRY

Sometimes I wonder if people truly understand how horrible they sound on the internet. And no, I'm not talking about anything with my fellow blogging friends, I'm talking about people I know in real life.

I try not to talk about other peoples stories here. They're not my stories to tell. I don't want people talking about stuff they may know about me to people I don't know, so I don't do it to other people.

BUT........

Let me just hypothetically say:

If you kicked your husband out LAST YEAR for cheating on you because you decide you don't want to work on your marriage, that's your choice.

If you proceed to spend the next year updating your Facebook status with every little thing this man has done to piss you off, hurt you, and embarrass you since the day you met him, that is your choice.

Hypothetically,

If you decide to post photos of you hanging and making out with random guys in bars, that's your choice.

If you decide to post all the information you have on the girl he cheated on you with and rally people to go harass her, that's your choice.

If you bad mouth your "lying cheating piece of shit husband" every chance you get and brag about how much more AWESOMELY AMAZING your life is now that his "sorry ass" is gone, that's your choice.

BUT .......................

When you update Facebook that your husband just bought you a Tiffany Necklace and a 52 inch LCD flat screen TV so you let him move back in and can't wait to wake up next to him because you know he's getting up with the kids...........

YOU ARE A MATERIALISTIC SELFISH BITCH (and a cheap one at that.. Really? That's all it costs for him to buy you off?? If you're gonna go that route, make him pay a little more than a few grand for fucks sake. He probably spent more on his goumada!)

Again though, that was your choice to tell us all about it.

Yes, I hope you never find that I aired your dirty laundry, but it certainly wouldn't hurt for you to hear some truth.........

I Feel Helpless...

I am so frustrated. My stepson is showing all the signs of aspergers syndrome. He was tested through the school by a professional and 'mom' doesn't 'agree' with the report. wtf? How long are you going to let this child slip through the cracks? He's going to be a big angry boy very soon. The school psychologist recently approached mom and said words to the effect that she suspects eldest stepdaughter is abusing little brother. Verbally. Physically. Mom doesn't believe it. Isn't this school official dutybound to report suspected abuse? Stepson sleeps on the floor at the foot of moms bed because stepdaughter sleeps with her mom. wtf? Why would a 12 year old need to sleep with her mom? Mom denies he's wetting his pants. At 10 years old stepson has gotten really good at hiding this. He's now wearing 2 pair of underwear. I feel so helpless.

"EX"

EX and I started dating at 16, in a few weeks we would have been celebrating our 7 year wedding anniversary BUT we got divorced over 2 years ago. We have 2 kids - they are 8 and 6. He is in the army. He's been completely gone 4 years out of the kids' lives and the other years he lived in another state it was just close enough to come visit often. but basically I have raised these kids without him. (thank God for mom and sis) I have been dating for over 2 years - EX (um... was kinda waiting on me - but no i never asked him to!) on the other hand has NOT even been on 1 date- UNTIL NOW! He met a girl online while he was in another state in August - yes THIS August. Sometime before he came back home in October he asked this woman (who is 6 yrs younger, meaning only 12 yrs older than our daughter) to marry him - ring and all. Oh- she didn't live in the state he was training in, so they only saw each other on weekends.. so this could have only been like 4 dates in. Yes, that is right, a woman he just met who has never met my kids is now their dad's fiance'. OK.. i said i have been dating for over 2 years. I have now found the man of my dreams and we too intend to get married sometime in the near future. So - of course I am NOT romantically jealous. But why is it that when I have been dating all this time we have still been BFFs, but now that you have a woman you barely talk to me?! She makes him delete me off facebook and myspace. Pretty much doesn't want him talking to me much at all. To the point where i do not know if he will be in town or not.. i do not know if i should tell the kids they will see him or not. NOT TO MENTION when you don't wanna dial MY number you are also NOT CALLING YOUR KIDS!!! Somehow when i bring up the fact that this disturbs me everyone thinks i am jealous.. I left him! Why would i be jealous?! A lil disheartened that he can't express to her that we have been friends through my relationships and she has nothing to worry about - and a lil worried about my kids having another mother(ish) figure -- but NOT jealous! ok now to this.. EX and I have always said we wanted one of those co-parenting relationships where we not only communicated well, but got along well and could tolerate each others' presence- even WITH a significant other. We don't want to have to have 2 Bday parties and we want to both be able to go to recitals and games, etc. And the woman (i use that term loosely) you intend to marry tells you she will just stay home?! so you will not go to your husband's kids' bday party? Excuse me EX - you do not EXPECT your wife to attend these things. Oh i just remembered part of why i divorced you was b/c i have more balls than you do! ok so time comes for her to come down and meet family - and kids. and she tells him - "YOU go get the kids, i will stay here with your parents because i don't want to meet her" again - excuse me?! you don't want to meet the mother of the children you intend to be a step mom to?! HERE IS THE KICKER! Daddy dear is getting deployed overseas AGAIN in March. Suddenly EX decides they should get married BEFORE he deploys - didn't you already learn your lesson about marrying a 20 year old 2 months before you deploy for a year?!?! And this --- GIRL is MOVING IN WITH EX's PARENTS while he is gone. SO! lemme get this straight!? this --- GIRL who does not want to meet the mother of your children will be living at MY kids grandparent's house while Daddy is THOUSANDS of miles away and I am SUPPOSED TO BE OK WITH THIS?! WHY?! HE BARELY KNOWS HER - HIS PARENTS DEF DON'T KNOW HER- SHE HAS NEVER EVEN SHAKEN MY HAND! I wouldn't let them spend weekends with any other random stranger. EX wouldn't let them spend weekends with some man he didn't know if i was gone... um... what the ($&@(#^$ But I am the bad guy - I am the jealous one? I am the one who doesn't want him to move on (even though i moved on BEFORE we were divorced)?! i think SOMEONE needs to tell this --- GIRL that she needs to GROW UP if she THINKS she can handle a relationship with a man who has kids.

I HATE MY JOB

I hate my job. More though, I hate the reason I had to take this job. I had a great job - I was doing WELL at it - like the only person on my team (they all veterans of more than 5 years and me who just started) who had 60% of my sales quota and 80% of my service fee goal for the YEAR by the end of APRIL. But, I sucked at sales you see. Or so said the beyotch of the freakin' century who became my THIRD boss in SIX MONTHS. My first boss left to work for the competition and his boss decided that anyone he hired had to go - so she hired Clueless Beyotch on Wheels to be the axe man. Because at the time I was about to get the boot - believe me I knew the boot was coming based on what I was being told about my "inablity to sell and meet goals" - I had two new job offers...and took the best one. However, this new job LIED to me straight in the face about "average sale" and "lowest commission possible is..." and even "percentage of cold calling is...". I can handle what the truth is if you TELL me the truth up front. Do NOT FREAKING LIE TO ME!!! Even when I called my boss on his shaky math that led to his conclusions on average sale he told me I was wrong. What a tool. So, basically I BARELY make enough money right now to pay my bills and if ANY LITTLE FREAKING THING EXTRA comes up I am litterally in tears because I just do not have the money... I mean nearly 1/2 of my salary goes to pay daycare and pre-school. And now there are really no jobs to be had - or fewer than there are people to fill them - I just need ONE good job or a few good sales this month or that is it...I just will have to start cashing in my retirement money to have some set aside for the breakdowns of cars, extra $$ needed for pre-school, or even a desperate $7 eyebrow wax at the local Great Clips. On top of that my husband got his wages reduced. I hate my job.

Karma's a Bitch...